Rough Time of Year

My sweet friend (kindred spirit), Melanie, has been on my mind constantly since Thanksgiving. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her, but this time of year is especially tough. I have thoughts like, "two years ago today we were talking about ____" or "at this time two years ago I was on the phone with her for hours and hours" and once in a while even the dreaded "maybe I should have said or done _______ ". Grief is an odd thing. Just when I feel like it's really been 2 years, a memory of her surfaces that takes me back to the sad place I lived in for so long after she died. Of course I believe she's better off in Heaven and I am glad she isn't suffering, but I still miss her and wish she were HERE. I want to call her and talk about cooking, the kids, what we are wearing to church, who's bringing what to dinner, deeply personal stuff, surface stuff that no one else wants to hear us gab about. I just miss everything. I wanted desperately for her to be whole and healthy, to finally get the help she needed. She did get all of that and so much more. Just not in the way I thought it would happen. She is sitting at Jesus' feet being loved, truly loved and is completely whole. What more could I want for her? I want nothing more for her...but I want more for me. It still hurts so badly and I have that void in my heart where her friendship once lived. It is better than in the days after she died, but the pain is still present. Sometimes I wonder if it's a permanant part of me. I used to write down conversations I wanted to have with her in a journal, but lately, I haven't had time. The thoughts come so fast and so often that I'd never be able to write it all down. Sounds crazy, I know, but it is what it is. Two years ago this Christmas, Melanie choose to end her life on Earth... And I am still angry... But mostly sad...and missing her every.single.day.